Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives Blog 13: Back to the barrel room for more slow-mos

Nat declares at the start that it is "Australia's most successful relationship show".

Tell that to the sheep that have all been mis-joined because of the city wallies tearing around the farms for months.

Now, I was prepared for a certain number of slow-mos, but holey moley.

When I got up to get a cuppa after watching the 70^th slow-mo, I felt like The Flash.

It had been a heavy month for the girls who were chosen - mostly because they discovered their farmers' first name wasn't in fact 'farmer', which is a bit of a let-down.

They may have also found that it is much easier drafting sheep without a cameraman standing at the front of the drafting race.

OTHER FWFWW BLOGS...

But back to the Hunter Valley, where each farmer (minus Farmer Benjamin, who is still recovering from a health issue - we wish he was here) march up the drive looking enthusiastic to a truck and dog-load of cliche voiced-over phrases.

We watch this for what feels like a shearing run, while also getting a mammoth recap of what has happened for each farmer during the season - sheep, cows, Will without a shirt on, snogs, Farmer Ben taking off in his Bat Mobile.

Just all the normal stuff you usually see on a farm.

They speak to Farmer Paige first, and she looks chuffed to be back with the farmers and Batman.

First things first, she wants to know if they found love or not.

"How could you not love these guys? They're amazing," she declares.

Oh, we see what's going on here, Paigey. She's hoping one of the hot farmers or Batman have had their hearts broken and are looking for a shoulder to cry on/new jillaroo.

The farmers catch up for a brew on the verandah.

Farmer Harry says that while he was dating several women he "has never been so tired in my whole life - holy hat".

Hmm - maybe because his mum wasn't there to burp him and put him down for a nap. Uncool.

In between cuddles, discussing rain, their fancy new boots and Will's footy training, each farmer makes some sneaky remark about how they have some news that is going to shock everyone.

It's meant to be ominous - like when you have to tell your husband that his horse has the runs.

Clearly to make sure the reunion show reaches the minimum time slot requirements, the producers have just taken to letting the farmers ramble on, and letting us watch them drink, eat, breathe - all that gripping TV stuff.

Then we watch them slow-mo walk in the barrel room. I expect soon we will see a slow-mo of one of them ambling off for a wee on a tree.

But then Nat bounces in, reminding them "this is where it began".

They all sit down like they are in a psychologist office, and then Farmer Harry is invited up to the couch with Nat first.

That makes sense - it is nearly his bedtime.

We watch shots of him kissing everyone on the show - including his dairy cows - and again a whopping recap just like the ones we saw minutes before.

The music starts to get a little dark, and after discussing the fact he chose lovely Tess, he blurts out that he is "doing all the compromising at the moment, and I hope in the future she will compromise for me".

Haz is bitter!

It's like last week when that other toddler stole his toy at play group.

They drop us an ad break to build the suspense before he declares they are still together.

Gush gush. He's a man in love. They talk every day and catch up on weekends. Gush gush. He owes Nat a slab for setting them up.

And then he drops the big one - he is taking a year off from the farm and moving to Gold Coast to be with her. They are getting a place together.

HE IS LEAVING THE FARM.

So, after all my belly-aching about these chicks who turn up at the farm and need to get used to the idea that the farmer is staying on the farm, HE MOVES OFF THE FARM.

For crying out loud Harry! You have just ruined the idea of this show forever. Next year the new farmers are going to be badgered endlessly by their ladies to move to the city and wear really tight pants and no socks BECAUSE OF YOU.

Apparently the name of the show is now Farmer Wants a Holiday on the GC.

I am feral. Anyway, to feel all warm and fuzzy again, let's talk about Farmer Benjamin.

They talk about his bad run of luck - his grandmother passing away and some health issues - and show shots of his dancing and hair.

Man, we miss him. Hopefully he comes back next year so his next lot of ladies can make him move to Sydney BECAUSE OF HARRY.

Next on the couch is Farmer Ben with his brand new hat.

Turns out there has been some stormy skies over at Farmer Ben's.

The clever bloke realised that maybe his choice Leish may have been slightly cranky about the fact he was snogging Kiani left, right and centre, even up to the day before he declared his love for Leish.

No! Really? Wow.

They make us think she has dumped him, but then she turns up and they declare they are in love.

She is also wearing the puffiest sleeves I have ever seen.

They show shots of them eating sandwiches and playing with Ben's daughter.

Leish says she is wrapping up life in the city to move to the farm.

Farmer Ben begins crying with joy before Nat drops the line she has been waiting to say all season: "Wedding number 10!"

"Everyone is invited to the wedding!"

Everyone? Even Sam Farmytage? Won't she be too busy driving the dozer on her 40 hectares?

Paige jumps on the couch and they do the run-through of all the dudes that went to the farm where she doesn't do any work.

She has come alone but she says she has no regrets.

She says she had lost parts of herself and had learned a lot about herself and what she needed.

"There is strength in being vulnerable, and I'm proud of myself."

That's just super, Paige. Next.

Last but not least, Farmer Will hits the couch.

After his recap and choosing Jess, he explains how finding a partner is "one of the biggest barriers for rural people".

It turns out, despite the fact Jess planned to delay moving to the farm and her mum will be snapping the carrot about it, they haven't spent a day apart.

We have glorious shots of Jess drafting sheep and yelling 'Roger' at each other.

She let 'one' sheep through.

Farmer Will asks Nat to bring 'my girlfriend' down.

There is lots of cuddling and happiness, and I'm even pretty chuffed.

That is until they get a shot of Paige's face. Uh oh.

Farmer Will and Jess sit on the couch and complain about each other like they've been married for 70 years.

Turns out, Jess is moving straight to the farm and will do uni online and find a job.

HER MUM IS GOING TO BE ROPEABLE - did you guys not hear that this does not suit her Christmas plans? You selfish buggers.

At this point Farmer Ben begins sobbing again.

Nat remarks on all the love in the room and there will be a race to the alter.

The music fires up and we see the three couples awkwardly dancing and kissing each other.

Apparently Paige has been quietly shuffled outside.

But, it seems these these farmers have found a wife. And that's just smashing.

Here's hoping Channel Seven has the crap caravans and candles in jars ready for next season.

Well, after plenty of loved-up youngsters all around, I'll bet my golfclub that there will be droves of youngsters signing up to snag a farmer next year. But maybe some of them will see sense and find a more appropriate way to meet a partner - like going on Married at First Sight. Lay it down.