WELL, it's that time again.
Five farmers who haven't found anything desirable over the fence or at the local pub are going all out and trying to find a wife or husband on Farmer Wants a Wife.
Very soon we will be watching a mob of bumbling men and women from the big smoke turning on the charm for our farmers, blissfully unaware that we're all just watching to see them get covered in cow poo and fall in rivers.
But before the five farmers, as well as the cattle truck-load of men and women looking to put a ring on it (on a farmer's finger, not on a calf) turn up and cause havoc, we thought we would give a little bit of advice to help them navigate life on the farm.
So, here goes:
- Your ears don't tuck all the way into your hat (last year one 'farmer' who shall remain nameless did this the whole time. We were not impressed).
- Only stare dreamily into the distance while flexing for a maximum of 10 seconds. Otherwise you just look like a tool posing it up leaning on a fence post.
- The appearance of fairy lights in the shearing shed does not mean your shearers will dress as fairies. Tried it. It failed.
- The sudden appearance of a random couch in the middle of a paddock does not mean there has been a cyclone. Just didn't want anyone to panic.
- Do not injure yourself gardening late at night.
- Sheep say 'baa'. Cows say 'moo'. Mum says 'I don't like her. You should marry Karen from down the road'.
- Don't pretend to know something about farming if you don't. I just don't want anyone trying to impress their farmer by attempting to tackle the family pony or Aunty Meredith and dragging them into the shearing shed.
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- Be prepared to be whisked off to romantic places - rivers, horse rides, Dubbo. They are enchanting. Except Dubbo.
- Although everyone is doing it and it looks romantic, don't get in a dam and splash water and rub each other in mud. That mud is absolutely full of sheep and cattle poo.
- Just pretend it is normal to have a romantic date on a hillside or a shed or a garden or a barn dance or at a dam or in a trough or in Dubbo.
- Also be prepared that once you've found your Romeo or Juliet, and the cameras bugger off, there will be none of this. A romantic date is what happens when your husband walks in and says 'you don't have to cook tonight - I found an old sandwich under the ute seat, so the kids wiped the diesel oil off and ate it'.
- 'I'll go get some wood' should not be used as an acceptable response to the phrase 'I love you'.
- Do not attempt to catch a chook. It doesn't work and you look like a wally.
- Bouncing around in a header pressed up next to a hunky farmer looks rad. It is. For 10 minutes. Then it sucks.
- Ladies, if you are on the hunt for an actual farmer on the show, here is a sure-fire way to know if you've got the real deal - if his hands are softer and his eyebrows more shapely than yours, run for the blooming hills.
- Please remember - and this is a big one - when you go on Farmer Wants a Wife, the farmer actually expects you to move to the farm. There's no point spending days moving cattle, feeding dogs, eating mum's scones, drafting sheep and then chucking a wobbly because you were hoping your farmer would move to Sydney to become an influencer who doesn't wear socks and has pants that cut off his circulation.
- And lastly, if you're in luck, get ready to hopefully meet the man or woman of your dreams.
Farmer Wants a Wife starts tomorrow night, Sunday, September 3 at 7pm on Channel Seven and 7+.
Regret brewing
TOO late now, lads. You're in the thick of it, like a Freddo frog stuck in jelly. History tells us the first show is always full of high drama. We know it's all pre-recorded, so these blokes are probably watching on from somewhere, possibly regretting what they've done. My advice for the viewer: keep the form guide handy in case you need to flick to the racing channel if things get dull.
- 34:1 - Wives/girlfriends asking their men to watch the show with them.
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