WELL, it's back.
The first episode of Farmer Wants a Wife has returned like a case of barber's pole worm, and I was pretty much as excited as you get when you were expecting a single and got triplets (in sheep of course).
The first episode kicked off with everything we all love - shots of sunsets, headers, farmer walking through paddocks looking wistful.
We got the voiceovers of things like "I want someone I just can't live without" and "I deeply crave a companion". You know, the kind of things we hear farmers say everyday.
Oh no - sorry - that was actually "I deeply crave a new set of strainers". My bad.
Of course, before we meet the five new farmers, we had to get the "this process works" reassurance - Andrew and Jess from last season. They said lots of soppy lovely things and we move on.
Like hopefully his mum has after he kept stealing her roses for his dates last year.
OTHER FWFWW BLOGS
So we get the introductions to the farmers - Farmer Paige is a stationhand on a sheep and cattle place at Cassilis, NSW.
We watch her riding her horse through a paddock, obviously in an attempt to give the horse a case of photosensitisation with the amount of wort around.
Farmer Benjamin is going to be a cracker this season. The fifth generation sheep farmer, who I am pretty sure is Costa Georgiadis' long-lost brother, is from Guyra, NSW, and is also a DJ and very artistic. He also likes dancing with his sheep. I mean, who doesn't?
Farmer Will has the ladies hyperventilating. One chick said of the cropping and sheep farmer from Berriwillock, Victoria: "He looks like a young Brad Pitt riding his tractor". He also has a nice looking Kelpie that I wouldn't mind knowing where he got him from.
Farmer Harry is a dairy farmer from Kyabram, Victoria. He tells us "I am told I am pretty handsome by my mum". Well, that's that. He also loves McLeod's Daughters. Like - a lot. He chooses one lady because her name is Tess.
Farmer Ben is another dairy farmer from Wingham, NSW, and to be honest he seems like a sweetheart, and has a lovely three-year-old daughter.
Host Nat then informs us that she is being joined by her "cupid-in-arms, Australia's favourite country girl" Sam Armytage.
Later we come to understand what this means - Sam bustling into private conversations and telling everyone how to live with a farmer, even though no one asked.
Sam and her husband (apparently equestrian businessman is another word for farmer) live on 40 hectares. Yep.
There is also a hint that Sam is going to find other partners for the farmers, just to ruffle some feathers.
We get lots of shots of excited ladies jumping out of cars and squealing. Some blokes do too, with only slightly less squealing, and they all head in to meet the farmers.
Each farmer is introduced in the barrel room to lots of cheering and screaming. The farmers blush.
Then they all get to meet, where there is lots of giggling, mis-shaken hands, awkward hugs, shouts of "I like to get dirty" and some random peacock.
They then plonk the farmers at random places and they each get time to meet their hopefuls. It really sucks for Farmer Harry's girls who literally have to walk for 10 minutes holding a drink and getting their heels bogged in the lawn while trying to look attractive.
There is lots of chatting, boat rowing, poems, coupons from Coles, chooks on the cheese platter. You know, your usual first date.
The farmers ask the really important questions: "Do you want kids?", "Do you like farms?" and the big one - "Have you ever smelt cow poo?".
One lady says she is used to pushing weights around the gym so she will push cows around instead. Another states that she likes dairy products so she clearly should marry a dairy farmer. There is so much logical thinking going on.
Most women have dug deep to find an experience from childhood when they stayed on/visited/drove past a farm so they could retell it to their farmer.
They also gush about loving nature and the outdoors while feverishly swatting insects and complaining about the temperature.
By this point I feel like if I hear the phrase "I've got butterflies", "I'm pretty nervous" or "did you fart?" once more I'm going to chuck something at the telly.
But I carry on.
They all have dinner with their farmer. Then the farmers dash off into the garden to wander aimlessly while choosing their final draft of five ladies to take back to the farm.
It only dawns on me at this point we have only seen three of the farmers meet their partners and we are going to have to sit through this train wreck again tomorrow.
We head back to the barrel room where the farmers have to choose their final ladies.
It's pretty tough, especially for Farmer Ben, who gets a bit choked up having to draft. I think he's my favourite.
But it's also tough on the girls. One who spent the afternoon telling everyone she's not that emotionally invested in the process had to dive and hide in a pot plant to avoid the filthy looks being thrown at her when she was chosen by Farmer Harry.
It's sad for the girls who aren't chosen.
I remember when I was a kid we had been dipping sheep all day, and I sat down sopping wet and tired and the contractor's dog walked up, cocked its leg and peed on my back. That is exactly how these ladies are feeling.
But never fear - tonight we get to watch a heap more awkward conversations and uninvited pearls of wisdom from Sam Armytage, including what the heck she is doing with both a bobcat and a bulldozer on 40 hectares.
Hands off approach
A CHOOK jumped onto the cheese platter at one point when new relationship adviser, Sam Armytage was there. As a so-called farm girl, it would have been good to see her pick it up, give it a cuddle and check it for lice. No go though. Lay it down.
